So the Lich/DemiLich thing always bothered me.  It’s not that I don’t understand the quest for immortality; I get that.  It’s just… the pay-off always struck me as pretty bad…

I mean… as a Lich, you are a walking corpse.  You look bad, you smell bad… and you probably sound bad what with the squishy sounds you’re sure to make whenever you move about… so it’s not like you’re ever going to be invited over to Aunt Suzy’s to have tea in her parlor.  You’re going to be shunned, and rightfully so.  So where do you go?  A tower on a deserted plain?  A Dungeon?  Sure there are quiet places to sneak off to, but what next?  You became a lich to further explore the mysteries of the Universe, but when it comes down to it, you’re actually pretty vulnerable.  Your whole powerful existence is tied to an ironically fragile phylactery.  This would be fine if you could just drop it in a drawer and go about your business, but let’s face it… you live in a dungeon… there are always adventurers around, and they are always rooting about in your stuff.  No, your only option is to import some proper monsters to keep the adventurers away…

…but then there’s the upkeep to think about.  Contrary to popular belief, most monsters don’t feed on rock, so you’ve got to bring in people from the next village over to serve as the main course which just attracts the attention of more adventurers… which requires more monsters… which means more villagers… vicious circle…

…and even when things are quiet, the average monster is just no fun to have over for tea…  Their table manners tend to be atrocious, and forget about a decent conversation!  No, it’s just no life…

Now as a DemiLich, you do get to leave your body behind, but you’re still tied to a single jewel-encrusted body part to maintain your existence.  If you’re lucky, it’s your skull that survives which is at least pretty cool in a goth sort of way, but let me tell you, there are no guarantees!  Heck, I once heard of DemiLich who sneezed during the final transformation process… He ended up tied to his left kneecap for all eternity.  It was just embarrassing.  I don’t care how powerful you are.  No adventurer worth his salt is going to be put off by a bedazzled patella!!!  It just lacks that spooky punch!

Of course, it will take at least nine adventurers (eight of whom have to be willing to risk having their souls devoured) to destroy you, but with the kind of loot you’ve got laying around, adventurers usually show up by the cartload anyway… and there are always eight who are willing to take a hit for the team with the promise that Number 9 will use a bit of the treasure to have his eight bestest buddies resurrected at the local temple… yeah right…

In any case, you’re still stuck maintaining a bunch of ill-bred Kobolds and sentient Jello molds while you wait for the next group of yahoos to come through and try to dust your only remaining bone.  Does that sound like a good retirement plan to you?!?

Of course, if you make it to the Sauron stage, things do tend to look up a bit… sure, you’re still tied to some piece of jewelry, but it’s one that can only be destroyed in the place it was created… as long as you didn’t make a habit of constructing beaded bracelets at the local McDragons’ Restaurant, you should be able to make this work… just don’t be too showy… make your spirit anchor, and then move.  Really, really far away… someplace where nobody has ever heard of you… and don’t bring along any old scrapbooks… that’s just a dead give-away, and you don’t want to give anything away… Instead, pick up a bunch of pictures and postcards from some lame place you’ve never been… misdirection is the key to your survival because they won’t be tossing any rings into the fires of Mount Doom if they think you’re from Poughkeepsie, and that’s an immortality that you just might be able to make work.

“If the U.S. imperialists start another war, the army and people of Korea will … wipe out the aggressors on the globe once and for all,”

Oh, L’il Kim, you’re so silly! If you want to be a recurring character in the comic strip, you just have to ask. There’s no reason to run around shouting things and making people nervous.

Hey, if you’d be willing to leave the country for a day, The News Guy would love to do an interview. We can’t let him travel in to North Korea though because we’ve heard how you treat journalists there. But say the word and we’ll meet you in Hong Kong for noodles and a Coke.

On second thought, make that noodles and an Evian. You do not need any caffeine in your diet!

On a lighter note, it seems that Randall Munroe caught the same viewing of Wargames that I did. At least we went in totally different directions with it. Of course, his is funnier. I hate when that happens.