Slightly Off-Topic

Okay, so yes… I’m a fat man.  I do not kid myself, but I actually don’t walk around feeling like a big, useless tub of lard.  In fact, for the most part, I walk around feeling like… you know… a guy.  I do my job… I raise my child… I live my life.  Planes, however, are a different story.  I’m not just fat… I’m tall, and planes are… well… let’s just say cramped, so I’m never all that thrilled to be on the boarding ramp because on a plane, there’s no escaping it.  I am a fat man.

Then, I get to deal with the other passengers.  They’re always fun.

But it’s okay… I’ve started to make a game of it.  As I’m coming through the aisle, I look for empty seats and begin to flick my gaze rapidly back and forth between my ticket and the seat number posted on the overheads.  The goal is to try and elicit that abject look of horror from whomever is sitting there as rapidly as possible.  If I can manage to incite a quiet curse from the person sitting there before I pass on, so much the better.

Once I get to my row, I always like to take a step pass, so that the person already there can breath a sigh of relief before I step back, plop down and say ‘hello’.  The crushing look of defeat is just priceless, believe me!

Once I’m seated, I try to make eye contact with that person who is eying their ticket and worriedly looking my way.  Sure, the thought of sitting next to that fat guy scares the bejeebers out of them, but imagine how much more they enjoy their flight when the realize that they are actually two rows back!

And as for that person sitting in the window seat angrily staring at me the whole time until they close the doors?  I’m just glad to be able to make them so happy when they realize that the fat guy bought the extra ticket and has no intention ruining their flight.  “Who knew”, they seem to say, “that a fat guy could show some consideration?”

Who knew, indeed…